As a teacher, coach, and parent, I know qualifications don't guarantee success. But online, we share for self-improvement, having a dialogue about our values and visions. You ask "what more can I give my child beyond things?" This question reveals you understand learning, curiosity, and exploration are key to a vibrant life – one lived, not merely watched. My goal? Ignite that spark in my kids, making real-life adventures first choice over TV escapades. What a difference that makes!
ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Quiz
This space serves as a reminder: we stand on ground woven with privilege. With peace of mind comes the responsibility to ask more of ourselves. We must strive to understand and serve underserved communities, alleviating burdens unfairly placed upon them.
I choose not to shy away. My privilege grants me the power to act. Let's start tonight with a gratitude journal, reflecting on our blessings. Ask yourself: "How can I help someone denied what I have, simply for being different?" Many groups fight for justice, and they need volunteers. Dedicate just one hour a week, with or without your children. Remember, you have the privilege to choose action. Let's wield it for good.
Let's say the problem is you think you have an unfocused child. You try to play a game together, but the child runs away. Think of your problem: I want my child to play this 'educational game' I have planned.
State the goal in a positive way: I want to introduce a new concept to my child. By stating it in this way, you can see the problem is not the goal nor the child. The problem is a difference between what you think is a fun way to introduce a concept and your child's thinking. This frames a possible solution as trying to introduce the concept in a different way.
What if your problem and goal are non-tangible, like life skills or emotional regulation??
Just like we can present concrete scientific, mathematical or artistic concepts, we can use the presenting step for non-tangible learning things, like self-regulation, social skills and discipline. Talking to a child during a melt down is ineffective. We need to present the skills before the actual event. Let's say you want to try teaching your child the breathing technique of blowing up an imaginary balloon (or a real one) when they start to get frustrated or angry. Present the idea like a game - we are going to blow up balloons for (stuffed animal's name) birthday party. After you do three or four, try saying something like - Wow, this would be a good thing to do if I was angry or frustrated. Then the next time YOU get frustrated or angry, model the behavior. Blow up an imaginary balloon and give it to your child.
Moments that we might struggle: Bath time, bedtime, leaving the playground, places where we are expected to behave differently (library, restaurant, grocery store). When we find a place we struggle, we need to present a new system and then practice it. The first thing is that before you go somewhere new, tell your child what happen and how they are expected to behave. Most parents do this for scary things, like a doctor's appointment. How about a grocery store? Thousands of things to touch and play with! Stimulation on every corner!! Why assume they will simply sit in the cart and do nothing? Explain in short clear sentences what you are going to do, and what the child will do. Remember! If you let the child participate, it will be easier for them, rather than waiting for the end. Everyone struggles with these moments, so no need to be hard on yourself. Children are learning self-control, so please lower your expectations.
When it becomes difficult or you are getting a lot of resistance, give your child autonomy by maximizing choice and volitional engagement (Deci and Ryan). Set a goal together and sign a commitment statement.
Practicing a stated goal, after it has been presented has several benefits. By solidifying neural pathways, it allows for automatic responses and reduced stress, fostering confidence and focus in similar situations. The skills practiced are more ingrained, the reaching of the goal that much closer. Additionally, practice acts as a personalized diagnostic tool, enabling tailoring of instruction and optimizing learning experiences. This potent combination empowers individuals to navigate challenges and flourish in their learning journey. This enables the tailoring of instructional approaches and the creation of personalized learning experiences that optimally match the child's specific needs and developmental stage. The mind is developing. Be patient. If you get triggered? If they get triggered?
Embracing imperfection is not simply an act of kindness, but a strategic investment in a child's growth. Fear of mistakes, criticism, or inadequacy often paralyzes children, preventing them from venturing beyond safe territories. Conversely, fostering a culture of acceptance towards imperfections empowers them to take risks, persevere through challenges, and embrace the journey of learning even in the face of setbacks. No one is perfect and mistakes should be normalized, because unencumbered by apprehension, these children experiment, persist when faced with hurdles, and forge ahead even when victory seems elusive. Even if in the end there is no ultimate "win," one gets something from the journey itself, from learning from the mistakes made, from the reflecting on those mistakes and considering possible better solutions. Celebrating effort and progress is known by teachers and researchers to be the true fuel for self-motivated individuals. Show support and always offer new opportunities to practice.
Even if you feel you have been a terrible parent up to now, it is never too late to make a change.
Suggestions:
Start by Reading
Traditional praise, while seemingly well-intentioned, casts a long shadow on a child's developing sense of self. It intertwines self-worth with the fleeting validation of external approval, fostering a binary view where "good" equates to pleasing others and "bad" to their disapproval. This precarious foundation breeds a generation anxious about perfectionism, an unattainable ideal that sets them up for inevitable failure. Furthermore, even praise for positive behavior reinforces the external reward as the goal, rather than the intrinsic value of the behavior itself. In essence, it reduces complex relationships to transactional exchanges, teaching children that their worth is measured by material rewards. Moving beyond this superficial approach, we must learn to notice, acknowledge, and appreciate children for who they are. This shift prioritizes connection and empathy, establishing relationships as the true currency of self-worth, far more valuable than any fleeting praise or material reward.
Acceptance describes what is happening without judgement
Suggestions:
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
What you offer to others, you strengthen in yourself - Dr. Bailey
Make sure you are compassionate to yourself as well as you child, when making a mistake. Positive self talk has to be modeled to be effective. Notice how you talk about yourself. Notice what false messages you have assigned to yourself or have been assigned to you. Work consistently on changing the actual message you say to yourself, in your head and out loud. There are different ways of doing this.
Suggestions:
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Why Make the Change?
Be very careful how you judge others around you. Young ears are always listening. What does our criticism teach our young audience?
You give your power away to strangers when you let them trigger you or let them make you angry. Who ever you place in charge of your feelings, you put in charge of yourself. If you don't want that, start by noticing the behavior. Then by small changes, like instead of "You make me..." statements, => try "I'm going to..." You can't control others, and judging them doesn't do anything for you or for them. It might make you feel superior for a moment, but it also creates a world in which we are all judging each other negatively and harshly.
Playing the blame game does not solve the problem at hand, but changes the activity from looking for ways to handle the upset to ways of finding who did what to whom. Instead of 'How does that make you feel?' or 'How would you feel if it was done to you..." try to first calm oneself (self-regulate) - acknowledge the feelings but don't let them dictate your actions; focus on a positive that you want and think of ways you can get that outcome (focus on what you can do);
Negativity Can...
Remember, our power comes from feeling connected. Judgment and negative biases disconnect us, creating a society of individuals who hurt more than they help. We won't always be at our best, and neither will our neighbor. Negative thoughts that we hold towards others, stay within us. You might have heard the saying, "To hate another, is to drink poison and hope the enemy dies." The reason this saying resonates with us is because we have all had a negative interaction with someone and have had the sensation of tightness or pain or negativity within us long after the event had ended, the years had past. Especially with children, but with other adults as well, we must suspend judgement and master the skill of assigning positive intent, with hurtful actions as a call for help.
Negative Intent Assigned to Child Can...
When I am feeling unsure, undeserving, not good enough, I am short-tempered and critical towards others as well. I over work, drink, over-eat and indulge in other negative behavior to support the feelings of failure. At these times, I need compassion not lectures. The same is true for children who act out.
Consider how you treat your child when they are misbehaving? Do you judge them? Punish them? Criticize? How about when they are good? Praise? Pat on the back? This type of parenting teaches a child that when they please us they are loved.
If we attribute negative intent to the child who acts out, punish them, they have two choices: accept the belief that they are bad or to fight it and make the other person the unworthy one. This struggle is a lose-lose proposition, attacker and defenders both. To thwart this power struggle start from positive intent and see 'bad' behavior as a call for help, needing new skills.We must learn to see children differently to treat them differently and in return they will act differently.
We Can Change (ourselves)
If we want to see change, then we are responsible for putting in the effort.
From this dichotomy:
To this dichotomy:
Be more of what you want to see - If you put compassion and understanding out into the world, it will be returned, in one form or another.
Suggestions:
Many young people feel this way. They have always been sad, depressed, oppressed, unloved, misunderstood. They accept the day to day as infinite and unchanging. You, the adult, have changed over time and know that these changes are happening right now. Be sure to model when you catch yourself doing using 'always' - reframe the statement: "You always do this! Oh, wait, let me rephrase that. It feels like this isn't going to change, but one thing I can do is... "
Like magnification or catastrophizing, labeling places the emphasis on the person not the behavior. Instead of "Josie is a liar" try "Josie chose to lie this time." There is no bad and good child. There is only the decision they are making at the moment; and just like I am more than the sum of my parts, I am more than a decision made in the moment (even if small decisions alter the course of my life).
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Start with the mantra of "I am safe, keep breathing, I can handle this." Breathing deeply to get you out of a state of stress or fight or flight. When you feel a little calmer, you can start to feel more compassion towards the child's perspective, consider them not as enemy combatant, but your little ones, and stop taking it personally. SMILE. Why smile? The act of smiling, as well as laughing, changes the chemicals in the brain, thus changing the whole situation from danger and distress, to a moment in our lives. Remember that our little ones mirror our states, even without understanding them.
I am safe.
Keep breathing.
I can handle this.
Quit taking it personally
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Learn what triggers you and be ready to accept that at those times, you might make more mistakes. Oops - Try again. Model forgiving yourself! Normalize mistakes and encourage trying again.
Remember to say you are sorry if you shout, or do some other behavior you aren't quite proud of. Kids are forgiving, and it shows them that you are taking responsibility for your action - you don't feel justified or entitled to hurt them. You want them to know that you make mistakes and are not perfect, and don't expect them to be either (an unachievable goal).
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Learn about behaviors that signal a child might be triggered.
by Walker, Colvin, Ramsey 1995
During a Breakdown Start by calming yourself, breathing, not taking it personally.
Eye contact is extremely important for this, but when a child is upset they may not be willing to make eye contact with you or lashout if you make eye contact with them. Use noticing to help encourage eye contact.
Start by noticing, (describing what they are doing, without added judgment comments), and without demanding or commanding. Just start with "your ____ is going like this (demonstrate)." This statement tempts the child to look up and make eye contact with you.
When you make eye contact you try to get the child to relax using a breathing technique
Then you can state what you thought happened, give empathy, teach a missing skill and offer choices.
In General
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Transform misbehavior into a chance to practice prosocial skills!
(Conscious Discipline p194) Believing outside forces control our behavior and believing we can control others' are the same concept. The only person who can change you is you!
Grasping this concept means changing the way we speak to ourselves. Just like positive self talk, that shifts negative to positive intent, consciously use language that places you at the center of your actions. This language allows us to avoid responsibility and accountability - robs us of both the joy of success and ability to learn from our mistakes. Notice your word choice: "I have to," "I should," "...make me..." These are the words of the victim, giving power to outside forces in our daily lives. Try to change should => could and have to/make me => I'm going to.
By taking responsibility for our lives, we are ready to model the behavior for our children. Start making choices consciously, without doubt, while holding a clear sense of self worth. Learn to do this - click it!
Blame Cycle When we believe we can change others and fail, we feel inadequate. When we blame the outside world for things going poorly for us, we become victims to external forces. Blame is s cycle of negatives, starting with us giving our power (to change) away, then hiding from responsibility (for our part) and then ignoring it all with acts of self-sabotage (like eating our feelings). In the complexity of the lives we construct, we no longer make decisions authentically, living instead on autopilot. A way to avoid the hard work of changing the self and understanding what we can and cannot control in our lives.
Children are like us too - "He made me do it!" "It's not my fault!" "She pushed first" common out cries for children who are used to offering blame instead of solutions. They are afraid to own their choices, feel attacked by the punishment, respond in emotional upset. Cycles of bad behavior and punishment create children who lie about their role in behaviors, thus no change occurs and the cycle begins again. How to change it?
Suggestions:
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
The true consequence of an act are not the physical results of the action, but how we feel about the result. Our feelings about the results motivate us to act. Without access or ownership of our feelings, we blame others and instead of changing ourselves try to control others. (Conscious Discipline p 286)
Our intention, as we approach a situation, will influence the outcome in a profound way. Intention can happen unconsciously, but the whole point of reading up to now, is to understand that we are learning a conscious approach to action and discipline.
Our intention may not be used to free us from the responsibility of our impact. Just because I didn't 'mean' to do it, doesn't mean it was not done and had an effect on another. Instead of "That was not my intention" => " I had no idea that was hurtful. I didn't intend to __, but I can see the hurt it caused." And that, like saying sorry, is followed by making amends. Children often think just saying sorry is enough - but encourage children to think of ways to do better next time.
Suggestions: Ask yourself:
Learn how to use natural consequences, except in cases of safety, to teach children to learn from mistakes, be responsible for their actions and release you from power struggles and blaming.
A moment to connect when saying hello/goodbye - In the busyness of it all, it is easy to try to skip this step, stop too long or ignore its value. However, for our kids, whose lives run on a different clock, this step is meaningful. It takes a minute to connect. Be conscious of your morning and nighttime routines, making visual aids to help kids understand what will happen first, next, last.
Most of us already do birthdays, welcoming new family or friends into our lives, holidays and other big events. Consider different ways your family might want to celebrate instead of simply accepting others' ideas. Is there value in being able to choose which cake I get for my birthday? Is getting a homemade cake important? Is making my own cake important? Is receiving a lot of small gifts of value? Is it better to get one big gift (like a bike)? Is it better to give or receive presents? What aspect of the celebration makes it a celebration (and not just a gathering)?
There are other ways to connect, other than on a 'special' occasion. Chanting, singing, and dancing together can create a powerful bond, as they allow us to express our emotions and experiences collectively. These activities can be particularly meaningful when performed in a group setting, as they promote a shared sense of purpose and belonging. Consider adding these aspects to your daily life as well as special events.
You might have heard of the Danish concept of Hygge; Hygge emphasizes creating a warm and inviting atmosphere, often involving cozy activities like lighting candles, drinking tea, and spending quality time with loved ones (without devices). It's essential to prioritize face-to-face interactions. While technology has made it easier to connect with people from around the world, nothing can replace the value of in-person relationships. Make an effort to spend time with loved ones, join local groups or clubs, and participate in community events.By dedicating specific time each day or week to these activities, we can cultivate a more meaningful and fulfilling sense of connection.
Safe-Keeper ritual
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Often as caregivers, we think our job is to control children and make them behave - but what if instead of enforcers or coercers, we saw our job as self-regulators and safety keepers? By changing how you describe yourself, you will change how you treat your children.
Consider making the following changes:
My job is to keep you safe. Your job is to help me keep you safe.
Teaching children this mantra helps them understand the place of grownups in their lives and starts them on a path of responsibility as opposed to using a language of fear.
Noticing without judgement
Instead of judging, creating a negative narrative for yourself and the child - consider describing the behavior without judgement. You will start noticing that you change not only the situation, but your opinion of the person. (ie - she is so lazy. => She is having trouble getting started).
Self-regulate your own emotion
By better understanding our triggers and being able to calm ourselves before dealing with an outburst or perceived negative behavior, we first of all become models of self-regulation. On top of that, by calming ourselves, we give our minds the time it needs to consider the situation and not just react to it.
Kindness ritual
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
including Wish Well those who are going into a time of stress (test, operations, etc). Learning to say sorry as a first step - making amends as a follow up (see Daniel Tiger learns that saying sorry is the first step for younger kids).
Commitment (or buy-in)
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
The buy-in concept is not new. You might use it to learn a new skill or language, specifically when you pay for a class. You could learn the skill or language by yourself for free, but paying for a class is a type of buy-in where feel the pain of spending the money and that motivates you to put in the time to show up to the class and do the work. The same concept should be applied to our agreements with our children. We should teach them that a commitment is a powerful tool.
Start with the phrase: Today I am going to ____ (your goal for the day).
Suggestions:
For more on Rituals click me.
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Turecki and Tonner 1985
Children who have lived in states of trauma for extended periods of time, can have states of traits become temperament traits because of the exposure.
How active is the child? A child with this a difficult level of this trait would be in constant motion, restless or fidgeting.
How is your child's mood in general? A child with this a difficult level of this trait would appear to get little pleasure from life.
How does your child face a new experience? A child with this a difficult level of this trait would shy away or cling to you and refuse to take part.
How regular are the child's habits (of eating, sleeping, bowels)? A child with this a difficult level of this trait would get hungry or tired at unpredictable times, causing disruptions in routines.
How does your child deal with sudden changes to routine? A child with this a difficult level of this trait would have a tantrum when a change is introduced. They would be considered particular, inflexible and fussy.
How does your child react to noise, lights, smells, tastes, pain, weather, touch? A child with this a difficult level of this trait would have a melt down because they are experience too much of sensory input - easily be bothered by loud sounds, bright lights or the feel of a fabric.
How intense or loud is your child's reaction to positive and negative stimuli? A child with this a difficult level of this trait would be loud and forceful with all emotions.
How easily is the child distracted, especially when upset? A child with this a difficult level of this trait would have difficulty paying attention.
How long can your child remain focused on one thing?
-list from Conscious Discipline By Dr. Bailey
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Resistance, often perceived as antagonism towards prescribed behaviors ("shoulds" and "shouldn'ts"), can perpetuate conflict and entrench undesirable patterns. This tendency stems from an unyielding adherence to judgments without critical reflection, creating a self-reinforcing cycle of fear and stagnation. The fear of missteps, born from these rigid judgments, acts as a potent inhibitor of learning and essential growth. By adopting a mindful approach, one that accepts the moment and the feelings therein, we can move beyond the limitations of simplistic judgments and learn what mature empathy is, how to use it, and most importantly, how to model it for our children.
Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
Tantrums from age 0- 4 as the brain develops, children throw a tantrum when they have tried to change the world and failed. These are not manipulations, but signs of stress from hunger, tiredness or external stress. Our response to this situation must always be composed reassurance, "You are safe." As the brain matures, these tantrums will become infrequent and finally subside.
Frustration Fits the whiny frustration of a child not getting their way. This is a manipulative ploy that children can use at any time. You will know this is not a tantrum because the child will be able to tell you what they want.
What to do:
Rage The intense feeling that is stronger than anger. (See Conscious Discipline p 245-246) A whole system needs to be in place to support a child with rage issues.
Out of Control by Tsabary - Learn how to change yourself
Conscious Discipline by Bailey - a great resources for parents and teachers
Whole Brain Child by Bryson and Siegel- great perspective on the child's needs and developmental abilities at different stages