Emotional Intelligence

Support your children to be equipt with the tools they need to confront the problems they will inevitably.

• Anger
• Assertiveness
• Conflict Resolution
• Cooperation
• Empathy
• Worry

Child Assertiveness

(From Conscious Discipline by Dr. Bailey) Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com

1. Give children usable information, instruction and expected behaviors. Name, Verb, Paint Assertive Commands

   • Make eye contact visual
   • State the child's name auditory
   • Move into proximity with the child kinesthetic
   • Touch child, offer gentle guidance tactile
   • Verbalize what you want to see (be specific)
   • Paint a picture of the expected behavior

2. Notice behavior, non-judgemental descriptions that clearly communicate desired goal.

3. Send a "just-do-it" nonverbal message with tone and body language, creating a sense of safety Voice of No Doubt

   • Look at the ceiling and say 'this is the ceiling.' Look at the floor, say 'This is the floor.' Now state your command. Not a request (which implies a choice). No mixed message. No passivity (please do this, if you want to, if you think it is ok, is it ok?), no aggression (Do it or I will...).

4. Be aware of intent behind your communication. Assertive communication is about clarity. Your intent is more powerful than your word choice. Making kids obey (aggressive intent) or avoiding conflict (passive intent) is not assertive.

5. Assertions should be made as requests or commands. Command things that have no wiggle room, that you want the child to do, followed by praise. A request should only be used when there is actually a choice. If you request that your child do something you think they should do, ie "Do you want to take out the trash?" then you are setting them to say that they don't want to and to confuse what is a request and what is a command. When we request and thank the child for doing it, we say to the child to behave well for mommy/daddy - but ideally, 'good' behavior is done as way to participate, show appreciation and care for those we are interacting with - we are family, we are connected, that is why we do helpful things for each other. Do it for mommy/daddy, builds an exterior motivating factor (which might work for you in the short term, but later, when peer groups are valued over parental, you might wish you had done things differently).

Extra tips:

Tell and Show Children who Resist

• Give an assertive command - if the child ignores
• Notice and download - take a breath, don't take it personally, walk towards child, notice and describe behavior until eye-contact.
• "There you are, I'm going to show you how to get started." Touch and physically guide. If child cooperative, encourage "You are doing it," if not ...
• Notice and download, followed by two positive choices. "Your arms are doing this, you body is doing this..." Make eye contact, model deep breathing, give two choices you are ok with. If you get cooperation, "You're doing it! You chose..." If not...
• Repeat the choice in a calm state (up to four times), no matter what else the child says or does. If necessary walk away. In tone, gesture, intent - wish the child well.
• If a child continuously struggles with you and following commands, consider if you expectations are appropriate and if your intent is loving. Persistent resistance might be a sign for a need to refocus and reconnect with your child.

Redirect

Redirecting usually states 'You can't do X but you can do Y' or 'You can't do X here but you can do it there.' When you redirect make sure you connect, join your attention with your child before you redirect. Face-to-face, joint attention, clear boundaries and assistance in connecting with the new object.

Use I-Messages

"I don't like it when you __ " Follow with an assertive command and relate it to safety. "When you ____, I feel ____, because ____." Follow with an assertive command.

I-Message for Verbal and Physical Aggression:

"Victim" First

Kids bump and hit and do things to their friends or brothers or sisters for various reasons, creating aggressor and victim. If we go to the aggressor with admonishments, we give attention to the hurtful behavior and thus show our children how to get our attention (for children, even bad attention can fill the attention quota). To promote helpfulness behavior, let's go to the 'victim' first (*this is true in most situations but there are exceptions, like if a child is hitting or hurting many others, for everyone's safety we go with that particular aggressor first).

Ask "Did you like it?"

• activating problem-solving (executive state) and calls to reflect. If child is upset and cannot answer questions, start by helping them find composure.
• If they answer NO loudly, they need help calming down.
• If they answer 'no' softly, they need help finding their assertive voice.
• Take deep breathes together, coach child what to say ("I don't like it when you __. Next time __ instead").
• Practice with the child so that both the tone of the statement and the intent match assertive, not passive nor aggressive.
• Lastly, ask the aggressor to complete the request or use the new skill.
• They will comply if they feel connection and a sense of belonging.
• Praise.

(Note the difference between "How did it make you feel?" vs "Did you like it?" Asking how it made you feels give power of victim's feeling to the aggressor. Did you like it asks for a problem-solving answer, not an emotional one. Another problem statement is "use your words" when a child is upset, like adults, when upset we find it difficult to articulate. Try 'did you like it' instead and see if it makes a difference.)

Teach your child to shift their focus from the problem to the solution by stating their wants, expectations and needs in clear, simple, positive forms (what to do instead of what not to do).

Demonstrate, practice and model the "Just do it" nonverbal body language of assertiveness. To do this we and our children must be able to state our needs without diminishing those of others. We must believe we have a right to them. We must value ourselves. We must first learn it and internalize this in order to teach it. Achieve self-awareness

• What is my interactive state with my children? Passive? Aggressive? Assertive?
• How do I talk to myself? Passive? Aggressive? Assertive?
• Use assertiveness in all your relationships. To not learn this is a disservice to your child.

With aggressive responses, we teach our children to lash out at those who don't follow our rules. When we are passive, we teach them it is ok to infringe and impose on others. Assertiveness is the key to helping them build strong meaningful relationships based on mutual respect. Remember aggression and passivity are both rooted in fear- Aggression linked with the fear of the loss of control and passivity is linked with the fear of hurting or offending other's. Passivity gives power to the unequipped child over the adult. Children often turn this into a game parents don't want to play. To avoid this, use assertive statements with no fear in the intent.

Road Map to Becoming A Bully (Conscious Discipline p271 Here you will see the making of a bully and a chronic victim. Aggressors need to be empowered through positive intent (click on image) and empathy(see below) to then be taught the skills for communicating with others that they are lacking. Chronic victims need to be taught to find their inherent value (positive self-talk) and assert themselves.

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Empathy

(Conscious Discipline p 218) Adapted from www.ConsciousDiscipline.com

What is Keeping Us from Empathy?

Resistance (This should be/This shouldn't be/ What needs to be/ Shouldn't have been) facilitates conflict and reenforces old/bad behavioral patterns. Without questioning our judgments we attack that which contradicts them. We remain stuck perceiving only what we are comfortable with, unable to think critically (not emotionally) and thus unable to change. Our judgements and our thoughts about other's perceptions of ourselves generate fear of mistakes. Without making mistakes, we fear change.

Activity! It is What It Is (aka Acceptance)

To best appreciate this idea, try this 1 minute meditation: Take a deep breath. As you inhale, say to yourself "This moment is as it is." As you exhale, relax and say "Demanding the world go my way creates struggle, not change." For more meditation practices for adults and children. For some, the spiritual aspect of meditation conflicts with their beliefs. Think of meditiation here as a tool of thoughtfulness and reflection. To be able to think logically, we must first accept the emotions we feel, see them for what they are, and then move past them to a state of critical thinking.

Emotions Are Like the Weather

For many of us, there were no tools or conversations about emotions. Parents, who knew no more than we did, would try to ignore, dismiss, punish or save us from our emotions, upsets, consequence.

"Don't think about it," "It's not a big deal," etc

or bringing things forgotten to school,

or showing disappointment at our choices

In these behaviors, our parents taught us that negative feelings were bad, needed to be hidden from, escaped. Without tools to deal with negative feelings, what happens to a child who feels the inevitable disappointment?

Emotions are like the weather and we can no more change them as we can the weather - that is why we should teach our children to observe their emotions, be aware of them, and respond wisely. Acceptance of the state, allowing to feel the emotion, and knowing that it will pass is inner strength. Emotions guide our behavior and morality. We are better served understanding them than fearing them or ignoring them.

For some, sitting on the emotion bridge, talking about feelings, retelling the story of the upset, is a way of holding on to the suffering and prevents them from getting over to the landing.

For some, they try to skip over the feeling part all together and go straight to the solution.

Emotions bubble up inside us as sensations, like butterflies or a tightness, unconscious responses to mental strain or delight. If left in the emotional state, we act from the effect of the feeling (emotional state) and not from a place of logic (executive state). That is why we must teach our children to Claim, Name, and Tame!

Activity! How To C-N-T

• Claim the emotion by becoming aware of it, without judgement.
• Give the feeling a name. Finally, link the emotion to the event and manage it enough to take the next logical step.
• Regulating emotions (Tame) includes acceptance and teaching strategies to handle the upset. To teach this, we must first be able to do it for ourselves.

Activity! Think-Want-Can

(by Daniel Siegel "Mindsight")

Consider teaching your child to use the I think - I want - I can model when talking or writing about difficult feelings.

Activity! Seek to See

(from Project Zero)

Try using this with your children when you don't know what to do as they laugh or point at someone who is different, differently abled, or having some public problem

Healthy Attachment

works like this: The child experiences distress (ie their sister nocked down their tower). They seek out comfort from their attachment figure (ie You). Ideally, the attachment figure provides empathetic comfort, the child feels safe and the relief switches the comfort seeking off. Child returns to play and learn. As children grow, they are better able to regulate and tolerate a wide range of distressful situations.

Activity! Empathy Stages

Learn about the different stages empathy-dev-stages.pdf

If, however, there is no relief the distress grows. This in turn makes them more sensitive to upsets, easier to cause their distress and makes focus and learning harder.

Our goal is to help children develop tolerance to a wide range of emotional distress. That means we must create an inner voice that comforts them and empathizes with them making them and their needs feel seen - this makes the child feel safe. Empathy empowers children to own their feelings and start to regulate.

What Is It?

Empathy can be displayed in different ways, some conscious, some unconscious. For example, there is an automatic, unconscious process happening in our brains, often called "mirror neurons" or motor empathy. It's like having a built-in mirroring system that makes us unconsciously mimic the actions and emotions of others. Try it yourself: Next time you are speaking to someone you can see, even on a video-chat, at a random moment touch your nose with your finger for a few seconds, without commenting on it. The other person most likely will do the same, without noticing that they have done it. Another type of empathy is a more conscious effort. This deliberate attempt to understand another person's perspective and feelings involves putting ourselves in their shoes. Interestingly, both unconscious and conscious empathy can be harnessed to promote cooperation. Take marching and chanting in the army, for example. Done at a specific tempo (around 60-80 beats per minute), it creates a sense of unity through a form of conscious mirroring. We can even leverage these mirroring processes to regulate emotions. By consciously noticing and responding to another person's emotional state through movement, music, and observation, we can help them calm down and deactivate their fight-or-flight response (Behrends, Muller & Dziobek, 2012).

Emotional Empathy , like crying at the sad part of the movie, is mostly an unconscious thing that uses the mirror neurons. We move it into the conscious part of the brain when we state what the child is feeling (ie You seem angry). Cognitive Empathy (aka Theory of Mind), requires imagination and language skills. On the positive side, this skill allows us to understand how a situation might make a child feel. We, as parents, must work towards a non-judgemental acceptance; otherwise, we might get the negative side of cognitive empathy, one where we feel the situation and judge it by our understanding and through our filters. We might gush with sympathy or try to rescue the child, believing they can not handle this situation. Use noticing, describing what the child is doing (plus praise), as opposed to praise or judgment. This is difficult for parents who didn't grow up with this type of behavior, but with some practice - it becomes second nature.

Mature Empathy is the integration of motor, emotional and cognitive. It includes the understanding that we are not responsible for other people's feelings, but we can comprehend and make conscious decisions to be present and loving. Mature empathy has two components.

1. The emotional component where we strive to understand another's emotions to help them become more self-aware. This process, called co-regulation, can be seen in positive interactions like playful face-to-face moments.
2. The second component is the cognitive component. Here, we use insight to understand the thoughts and actions of others, helping them gain clarity on their own experiences. This allows children, for example, to see the connections between their perceptions, emotions, and actions.

Immature Empathy

• Ignoring ignore the emotion and focus on the behavior - thus failing to teach self-regulation.
• Saving the goal is "happy" at all cost - thus failing to teach self-regulation. (Sharing similar experiences from our own lives - but that is not the same as listening)
• Punishing criticize and punishing the child for their feelings - thus failing to teach self-regulation.
• Dismissing minimizing or hurrying past emotions, it's no big deal. (Giving "fix-it" advice dismisses the main concern of the speaker, which includes solving their own problems/ Using humor minimizes the other person's feelings about the situation/ Reassuring subtle way of saying it's no big deal/ Gushing - not real listening, creates victim mentality, is about being polite)
• Comforting immature empathy includes "joining in" instead of listening, offering comfort in the form of food, words of comfort, advice, hugs, teasing or distractions.

What to do instead?

Activity! Empathic Coaching Reflect the inner state back so the child can regulate it enough to adjust their outer behavior. Listen to the person while holding a mental image that the person is not a victim and can handle the situation. Refuse to judge the situation as negative. Imagine the mind as a building with the basement representing the survival state, the ground floor the emotional state and the top floor is the CEO's office, executive state. To get an upset person from the basement to the first floor

Activity! How to D-N-A

Describe what you see in terms of emotions (face and body cues) and physical actions using motor empathy. By judgement free noticing, we create a space for the child to look up at us. When eye contact is made, deep breath and be present in a state of calm. The child needs time to dissipate the emotional intensity, low the perceived urgency of the survival state. To move from the emotional state to the executive state

Name the feeling the child is communicating (You seem __). Use a question tone, so if you are wrong, the child has a chance to correct you. Do not pause here - move quickly to

Acknowledge taking you to the executive state. The reason is that in a moment of pause blame is attributed and emotions are high. Acknowledge the child's desire with positive intent while validating the experience. "You wanted __" and " You were hoping for __" Use a tentative voice so the child can correct you. If you are not sure, ask for more information "You seem __(emotion)__. Something happened?" This is about getting into the problem-solving abilities of the executive state. When we complain and focus on what we don't want, we aren't ready for the problem solving state. When we start to focus on what we want, we are ready to look for a solution.

Learn To Listen

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Anger Management

Aggression is not an emotion - it is an expression of emotion. Usually occurs as a result of an excited state. Once a child is excited, some incident or action is perceived as threatening to the child's resources, needs or values. This triggers aggressive behavior in response to the perceived threat.

Socially, children learn that aggression is one way to win, but just as they can learn aggressive solutions, they can learn peacemaking skills. Self regulating emotions is not the same as suppressing emotions - just like expressing is not the same as venting.

Identify emotions and their sources (K-6)

These activities help child identify and name, recognize it in others

Activity! Guess the Feeling Write a different emotion on 15 or 20 cards. Child acts out the emotion and you guess what it is. Ask - Can people say one thing with their body/face and another with their words?

Activity! Attach a Pic to the Feeling Label sheets of paper and ask child to find pictures of the emotion in magazines, cut them out and paste them on each sheet. Older kids can brainstorm what each feeling reminds them of. Ask - Have you ever felt this way? What did you do about that feeling?

Activity! Pantomime-Emo Pick an emotion, ie mad. Have child pantomime different actions while feeling that emotion (ie, walk, smile, shake hands, sweep, jump, make a meal etc). Ask - How do people let you know how they feel without words?

Activity! Feel the Beat Ask child to find music that expresses five different emotions (for younger children, bring in five samples and ask them to listen and state what the music makes them feel). For older children, discuss how media manipulates emotions and what tactics they might use - have students keep a record of these types of events for a week, then talk about them. Ask - How does this make you feel? Why would someone what to make you feel a certain way?

Activity! Draw the Emo Draw a picture of hate. Ask - What is the opposite of hate? What kinds of things does hate cause people to do? Can hate change? How? For older kids, request they complete the sentence "Hate is .... " five times. Ask for causes of hate and what behavior is associated with it. Ask older children to write about an experience they had hating someone or something and how they overcame that hate.

Learn positive ways to express emotions (K-6)

Hiding from anger, suppressing or repressing only leads to it coming out later in negative behavior and poor choices. Acknowledge anger as a valid feeling and make sure that child knows they have a choice about how to respond to feelings.

Activity! Grump and Growl Session - Give a space and place to air grievances. For younger kids, you can add a designated angry doll or homemade frustrated toy. Ask for only a few details, like who was involved, what the problem was, and how they tried to resolve the conflict. Unresolved problems can be a teaching moment.

Activity! Bug List - make a list of ten things that bug you. Discuss what you can and cannot do about the problem. What do when someone bugs you? How do you let people know what bugs you? What do you do that bugs others? How would you like them to tell you to stop?

Activity! Comic Bubble Questions - have child imagine a comic bubble above their head. Why am I angry? At whom? How angry am I on a scale of 1 - 10? What am I going to do about it? Train together to answer the questions before acting.

Activity! Imagine the Anger - Have child sit comfortably, eyes closed. Guide the breathing in and out, and ask them to create a fantasy where they meet the person that made them angry. Ask them to imagine the details of the confrontation. Have them imagine how they might respond with aggression. How would the person respond to your aggression? Now ask what would happen if you expressed your anger with words and expectations. How would the person respond now? What kind of positive responses could you think of? Now think of three things you like about the person who angered you.

Activity! Finding the Positive - Talk about what happens to happy thoughts when you get angry. Describe a situation and and ask for negative to positive transition - model: cheating - playing a board game => proud of being honest insulted - being called names on the playground = > feeling grown-up, didn't respond with name calling annoyed - playing ball with inept players => feel mature, didn't get mad - enjoyed the game for what it was.

Learn self-control (k-6)

Self-control takes a long time to learn, depending on child's disposition, developmental stage and maturity. Begin by examining child's own personal power first over others, then over themselves. Children are often not aware that they have power, but that is what self-control is - power over oneself. As they become more proficient in their self-regulation, these practices will help them make their needs known without resorting to aggression.

Activity! Bossy, Bossy - Give child opportunity to be the boss. They get to make anyone in the family or group of friends the following instructions: Jump up and down three times, Recite (children's song), walk around the table, say 'Hi!' to -- , Flap like a chicken, say your name three times, shake hands with -- , rub your tummy and pat your head at the same time. Now change who the boss it, every one gets a turn. After the activity, ask - How did it feel being the boss? How did it feel to be bossed? Could a boss have made people mad at him or her? How? What would happen if someone refused to be bossed?

Activity! Kid Power - for younger children just have a talk, but for older children they can write about it or journal about it. List three ways you make a sibling happy or unhappy. Same for a teacher, parents and friends. Ask - What power do you have over other people? What power do you have over yourself? What power do other people have over you?

Activity! Have to, want to - Talk about things you have to do. With older kids, let them write about it or journal about it. Think of three (to five) things you have to do - why do you have to do them? Rewrite/Restate have to statements to choose to do. Ask how the things you have to do are things that control you, and things you choose to do are things you are controlling. Ask about negative and positive consequence. Ask about internal and external forces. Tie it back to affects on behavior.

Activity! Code of Conduct -

1. In frustrating situations, I will try to ....
2. When I feel angry and aggressive, I will try to ...
3. When I am in a conflict situation, I will try to ...

Sublimation sublimation is a healthy coping mechanism. Transforming pain or anger into productive, achievable projects can benefit well-being, relationships, and even physical health.

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Conflict Resolution

What Causes It?

1. Competitive Atmosphere

• An attitude of win-lose
• Lack of skills working in groups
• Losing results in loss of self-esteem
• Competition at inappropriate time

2. Intolerant Atmosphere

• Formation of cliques and scapegoating
• Intolerance of racial or cultural differences
• Lack of support from classmates - leading to isolation
• Resentment of the accomplishments, possessions or qualities of others

3. Poor Communication

• Don't know how to express their needs or wishes effectively
• Have no forum for expressing emotions or needs
• Afraid to express needs and emotions
• Cannot listen to others
• Do not observe carefully

4. Inappropriate Expression of Emotion

• Out of touch with your own feelings
• Don't know a nonaggressive way to express anger or frustration
• Suppress emotions
• Lack of self-control

5. Lack of Conflict Resolution Skills

• Sometimes rewarded for using violence to solve conflict (as seen on TV or reenforced by social groups)
• Child general maturity and stage of moral development

6. Misuse of Power by the Teacher (or Caregiver)

• Frustrate a child by having impossibly high standards
• Managing child with a multitude of inflexible rules
• Continually resorting to authoritarian use of power (negative role-modeling)
• Establish an atmosphere of fear and mistrust
• Frustrate child with low expectation, you set up a situation where child either accepts your verdict and gives up on themselves or fights the idea and you

Most of us see conflict as negative - But there are also positive effects for conflict:

1. Prevent stagnation
2. Stimulate create problem solving
3. Engender person, organizational and societal change
4. Contributing to self-assessment

How do you respond to conflict?

1. Tell kids to stop
2. Try to please everyone
3. Help kids understand each other's point of view
4. Separate kids
5. Let someone else handle it
6. Decide who started it (assign blame)
7. Try to figure out what the problem is
8. Try to work out a compromise
9. Turn it into a joke
10. Tell them to stop making a fuss over nothing
11. Make one kid apologize
12. Encourage kids to find alternative solutions
13. Help them decide what they can do next
14. Present kids with some alternatives to choose from

Types of Conflicts

1. Conflict over resources
2. Conflict over needs
3. Conflicts of values

A Conflict Needs

The Conflict Escalates if:

• Increase in exposed emotion (ie anger)
• Increase in perceived threat
• People start choosing sides
• Children were not friends prior to the conflict
• Children have few peacemaking skills

The Conflict De-escalate if:

• Attention is focused on the problem, not the participants
• Decreased in exposed emotion and perceived threat
• Children were friends before the conflict
• Peacemaking skills or have someone to help them

Understanding Needs to Assist in Conflict Resolution - awareness of needs helps you define the problem in a more useful way. Think of the needs in a given situation. Consider placing them in of the categories below:

effectiveness - meeting goals, being competent at your job self-esteem - feeling good about yourself authority - being in control of yourself and your situation positive interaction - being liked by others

What needs do you have in this situation? What needs does the child have? How can both sets of needs be met? How can both win?

Resolving Conflict Techniques

Activity! Cooling Off

For younger kids learn a silly dance (usually having to do with shaking your hips, then you butt, then your knees) - as you do the silly dance together, notice how the anger dissipates and is replaced by silliness - this is just to get the spark out and give the child, and you, a moment to then reflect and come to a decision about what to do next. For older children, introduce 'cooling down' areas or 'safe spaces'

Activity! Storytelling (k-3)

Tell the story of the conflict (changing the names if you think it is important, but it can have a distracting effect). When the story reaches the point of conflict, stop and ask for possible conflict resolutions. Incorporate one suggestions into the story and end it. Ask if this would a good solution to try next time a similar conflict arises. (For older students, ask them to tell the story about a third person, they the neutral observer). Make sure to flush out the answer with details, otherwise you might get an easy answer to please the caregiver but without thought or intent.

Activity! Bach and Wyden's Fight Fair Method (Grade 2 -6)

1. Own Your Feelings: Take responsibility for your own emotions and express them clearly without blaming your partner. (e.g., "I feel hurt when..." instead of "You always make me feel...")
2. Problem-Specific: Focus on the specific issue at hand, avoiding bringing up unrelated past arguments.
3. Be a Fair Critic: Criticize the behavior, not the person. Focus on how a specific action affects you, rather than personal attacks.
4. No Below-the-Belt Blows: Avoid insults, name-calling, or bringing up past hurts to intentionally inflict emotional pain.
5. Be Willing to Compromise: Acknowledge both sides of the issue and be open to finding solutions that work for both partners.
6. Call a Time-Out: If emotions run high, take a break to cool down before continuing the conversation.

Activity! 3 R Strategy (Grade 4-6)

1. Resentment - each party states dislike and causes of resentment
2. Request - Each party tells the other what to do to solve the problem
3. Recognition - Both parties negotiate which requests they would be willing to meet.
4. State what you like or admire in the other (reconciliation)

Activity! Snapping Ideas Together (from Harvard Graduate School of Education) When two children, students or groups have two different ideas of how to do something - consider using this technique of 'snapping' the ideas together. This demands listening skills and some flexibility by both parties; a hugely rewarding tool to have once mastered.

Resources

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Cooperation

Games (K-6)

Activity! Form A Line - without talking have children (3 or more) to line up from shortest to tallest, tallest to shortest, earliest birthday to latest, oldest to youngest, smallest feet to biggest.

Activity! Bridges - two children face each other hands, palm open, arms stretched out, six inches apart. Have them simultaneously fall forward, catching and supporting each other with their hands, thus forming a bridge. Push each other back to original position. Take a step back and try again.

Activity! Snow Storm - blindfolded partners are led over snow drifts, across frozen streams, around boulders and past other imaginary obstacles. Then switch. Remind - gentle and thoughtful, because you are next!

Activity! Cooperative Musical Chairs - They all win or all lose - no eliminations. Set up like traditional game, but this time the whole group is responsible for all the people, so when the music unexpectedly stops, they have to find a place for everyone to sit (ie laps). Then remove another chair. If anyone falls, the group loses!

Activity! Balloon Freeze - Children (2 or more) bounce balloons on your count - try to reach 50 points. If anyone misses their balloon, everyone freezes until all the balloons hit the floor. They they start over.

Activity! Hats Off Two teams. Place as many hats as their are players in a pile next to each team. The team with all its players wearing hats wins - but all players must have hands clasped behind their back.

Activity! Broomstick Each person in the group holds a stick, about 150 cm, when the leader yells 'now' everyone lets go other stick and grabs their neighbors. When you get comfortable with this game, widen the circle. Yell 'left' or 'right'.

Activity! Empathy Game Grab a bag of things that connect together - brain-flakes, bristle blocks, magnet-tiles, two sets of identical shapes. Blindfold both participates. One is asked to build a simple structure and explain their structure to the partner who then tries to replicate it.

Activities (K-6)

Activity! Kisses - using chocolate kisses or other small treats. Have kids (2 or more) place their arms in arm-wrestling position (but don't call it that). Rules - no talking. You get a chocolate each time the back of your partner's hand touches the desk. Keep track of how many chocolates you get; Stop after 15 seconds. Competition will inevitably ensue. Ask - why did you automatically compete? Did the other person getting a chocolate mean you lost one? What would happen if you had worked together? Are there other situations where we compete without thinking?

Activity!Make it Give children (2 or more) some junk and glue guns. Ask them to make something - a sculpture, an animal, a structure - the only rule is that they must decide as a group what to make. Ask - was it hard to agree on something? Variants - Tinker Toy inventions, puzzles out of cardboard, clay sculptures, murals.

Activity! Turn it Over Two students, preferably a boy and a girl, each get a stick (about the length of their arms). Put a plastic or metal bowl turned over on the ground. Ask them to find a way to turn it over, right side up, without using their hands.

Activity! The Monster Game Grab some paper, pencils, and friends (the more the merrier!). Fold the paper into a paper fan (over under over under again and again until you have several sections), then take turns secretly drawing sections of a monster. Person one starts with the head and neck, hinting at the creature below with the fold. Each player adds their part blindly, drawing the torso, arms, legs, and so on based on the small visible section. Unfold the masterpiece at the end to reveal your collaborative monster creation! Feel free to set a timer for each round or choose a theme for your monstrous menagerie.

Cooperative Learning (K-6)

Activity! Problem-solving Groups - small groups. Everyone gets to help make a decision and everyone contributes in some way to the final project. Things like:

1. Design a better --.
2. Write a skit in a fairy-tale format.
3. Develop a government for a fictional land
4. Write a story - first group write about the two main characters and their problem (5 minutes), pass it to the next group who continue with more of the story (5 minutes), pass it on until each group has had a turn or returned back and forth for another 5 minutes. Give a heads up to writing an ending. Read out loud.

Activity! Peace Corp - Divide into teams. Team must work together to develop a solution in a limited time. Give each group a description of a different problem. Three minutes to think of a solution. Consequences should be on each card.

Worry

Advice from National Center For Youth Issues

Expectations

• Set expectation the same way for both anxious and non-anxious children. Drawing attention to something, gives it more power - so even when you talk about it - don't spend too much time on the subject (no more or less than you would on other daily things).
• Check that your expectations are age appropriate. You will notice your expectations are too high, if you find yourself constantly yelling or upset with your children.
• Set consequences - don't confuse anxiety with other types of inappropriate behavior. Set clear limits, so as not to enable child anxiety.

Build Together

• Build on a child's strengths - everyone is good at some things and not so good at others. Whatever your child is good at, notice it and allow it to play a role in your life.
• Create a family team and notice when we work together. Practice cheering each other on and doing group activities together.

Activity! Worry Dolls

Designate a doll to be the one you tell your worries to. Explain that when you tell a doll a worry, they can help you carry the burden instead of you. Remind child that when the worry grows a little smaller, maybe they can come and talk to you about it.

Activity! Worry Monster

Using a box, like a tissue box, make a monster face with a mouth that worries can be dropped into. Ask child to put the worry monster in an agreed upon place when they want you to read the worries in the monster and to keep it in their room if not. This will create trust between you and allow worries to be shared, when child is ready to do so.

Activity! Where Does It Live?

Accept a child's feelings of stress. Ask for them to point where they feel it the most. This is a good starting point to talk about different kinds of worry they might have.

Activity! Past and Future

The past and future contain many things I cannot control - and great fuel for my worries. But when I make a list of my concerns, I can make a second list for the things I can control. Making this list helps me put things into perspective.

Activity! The Know Better Do Better Motto

The past feels it is filled with mistakes, and they weigh on my mind until I feel burdened, head down, shoulders slumped. But since we know everyone makes mistakes, we can learn from them and decide to do something differently the next time we face a similar problem.

Activity! Worry Chain

Make a paper chain. On one strip write what happened. One the next, what you thought about it. On the next, what you feel about it. Notice that how you think about it influences how you feel about what happened.

Activity! Worry Hat Sometimes we worry about things outside our control and we have a hard time calming down. Some children find a designated 'worry hat' helpful. This can be done with a shirt, dress, socks or any other piece of clothing. Whatever works for your child.

Activity! Liquid Motion Timer

Although it can be a bit pricy, and easily broken, consider buying a liquid motion timer and setting it in a designated 'quiet place.' You can make your own by pouring warm water, glitter glue and glitter into a bottle. Screw the lid on tight and shake. You could also add cooking oil.

Activity! Worry - Unworry

Like the past and future - this is a simple list of worries and subsequent problem solving or thinking of what you can (or cannot) do about each worry. For example, "I am worried about my math test" is the worry and the unworry 'I will spend X amount of time studying for X days before the test.' "I am worried about tornado" and of course I cannot control the weather, but 'I can have safety drills and learn the chances of tornados coming on a particular day.'

Activity! Worry Beans

This is a sensory activity - fill a tub with different sized and colored beans. When you feel stressed, give yourself a few moments to play with the them. Show child the soothing power.

Activity! Mindfulness & Resilience

Activity! Meditation for Kids

Guided meditation

Activity! Hook Up (body movement for stress release) (from Coping Skills for Kids) Child will sit on a chair and cross ankles, then extend both arms in front, crossing one wrist over the other, interlacing fingers and drawing clasp hands up toward chest. Child will hold position for 1 minute while breathing slowly, touching the tip of the tongue to the roof of the mouth and relaxing it during exhalation.

Activity! Ninja Walking

when child feels anxious, ask them to walk like a ninja for a few turns around the room. Walking like a ninja means walking very quietly. Focusing on walking and sneaking changes the mood enough to allow to move past the oppressive nature of anxiety.

Activity! Sticks of Possibilities

Have a designated jar in a designated place. Fill it with old popsicle sticks on which you should write strategies to use when you get filled with worries.

Activity! Snowball fight (class activity)

Worry lives within the body, and movement and play can help release some of it, to unhinge the hold it has on us so we can gain perspective to look at the problem in a different or new way - what we can and cannot change about it, what steps we want to take today or in the future. To do this, especially with a group, try writing down the worry or stres on a piece of paper, balling it up and having a snowball fight for 60 seconds. Then pick up a paper, read it and throw it away.

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