Things We Need In Our Lives

• Choices
• Concepts of Connection from Around the World
• Conscious Rule Making
• Consequences
• Rituals
• Safe Space

Rituals

Why do we need rituals? In the past rituals were created to sublimate fears and create a sense of belonging. They were used medicinally and to mark passages through time - becoming an adult, marriage, death. A lot of rituals were entangled in superstitions and religions, so progressively, as modern thought replaced ancient ones, we shed a large part of our ritualistic nature in order to create space for what we thought we wanted more of - free time, individual stances, being special, feeling special. Most of us still celebrate major holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. We honor our dead. We might even have smaller, family rituals of going to certain place at a certain time or buying a certain things for a certain event.

What is lost without ritual - what do ritualistic community have that we individuals don't have? In a sense, it is the concept of belonging and connection that we miss when we rebel against traditions and norms. The past holds both good and bad, and it is our repressibility as contemporary creatures to honor that we think of as good from the past and change that which we no longer accept. That is to say, acknowledgment of the past should not be a blind worship (hiding from the negative), nor a complete escape (standing alone, which we never really can). In both extremes we neglect the true nature of humanity - making mistakes, acknowledging the hurt and feelings, thinking of ways to improve and empower.

I propose an examination of ritual that helps children accept the ever changing nature of progression from child to adult - that highlights the difficulty of the process, rewards the perseverance and offers assistance through the journey (in a hands off way)- that is - built the understanding that struggle is not something to run from, but something that is part of all things worth doing well. Becoming an adult holds value - a mature person regulates their emotions, acknowledges their mistakes and forgives first themselves and then the other. A mature adult does something about the problems in their own family, and in their own community. Stands up for those who are not able to do it for themselves, for whatever reason. Think back to when you were a child asking for help - was there someone there to help you? Who was it? Why did they help you? How did that effect your life?

Come on this journey with your children and let your own inner child grow into an adult who is an equal (in relationships, in their community). Ever heard that every seven years all the cells in your body have been replaced by new ones? I love this idea so much that I am going to create a ritual system based on it. The idea that in every cycle you are made a new should be expressed and celebrated in our life, as it happens, and not to be fondly thought of as we enter our early 50's thinking back on all we wished we had known. Youth is lost on the young, in the act of speech - you can not tell kids, that's true - they have to make their own mistakes and learn through their own lens, as individuals. However, we can show them some of the changes and accept them with positive intent, instead of secrecy and mystery, discomfort and shame.

Here you will find rituals for each age. Mix and match the ones that work with your belief systems. Make your choice for a reason that you can express, at least to yourself. It looks fun is fine, but remember that you are also building something with your child and that these rituals are for at least the purpose of connection. Rituals mark milestones and help a child explore their abilities and spirituality, keeping in mind age appropriateness.

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Empowerment through Choice/ Respect of Free Will

People Pleasing: Resist the urge to "make others happy," because you are not responsible for other people's feelings, and they are not responsible for yours! This includes saving your children from upsets or discomfort, as well as other adults around you. You don't have to court conflict, but you have to start noticing when you are not valuing yourself, subjugating yourself for no reason. Do you apologize when others make mistakes? For uncomfortable situations? Do you voice your opinions in a clear "no doubt" manner or do you add a little question at the end? Do you give the choice to others without thought (Whatever you want is fine)? If yes, what can you do about this behavior? We can learn to be assertive (click on the ass). When we state "You're making me crazy" or something similar, you give the power of your upset to the children in your care. For the child who is taught that power comes from pleasing the adults, this will make them stop, so you are pleased. Children who primarily seek external validation through "people-pleasing" behaviors might struggle with developing intrinsic motivation. This behavior reflects an underdeveloped sense of self-worth tied to external approval, hindering the internal drivers for action and exploration. What can we do about it? We can learn to be assertive (click on the ass).

Preaching Non-Violence, but Using Rewards or Punishments While "Don't hit" preaches non-violence, conditional rewards ("If you don't..., then you won't get....") create a power dynamic mirroring bullying. This teaches children "might makes right", potentially leading them to replicate the pattern with weaker peers. Let's work toward changing our model towards empathy-based communication, collaborative problem-solving, and natural consequences to empower children for healthy social interactions.

The Power to Change Changing and managing ourselves is the act of self-regulation and the foundation of democracy. Giving our power away, becoming victims to outside forces (life itself) is the basis for autocracy. Raising children who understand "choice" allows for self-worth to come from within, mistake making becomes valuable and the child knows that if they need to, they can change.

Giving the Responsibility to Your Child A child cannot understand or be in charge of your emotions, because they are not developmentally ready for this kind of power over an adult. We, as adults, must first be able to take charge of our emotions - then teach our children to do the same. Things are not going the way you want. You are upset. That is true. Your feelings are valid and your own. Now, what will you do about it? (click on the frog)

Suggestion for Helping Your Child

1. Try changing "See how you made her feel" => "Look at her face. She looks sad." Although this seems like a small difference, instead of my power to control her feelings, I must reflect that my actions have consequence. You can't explain it to a child, but you can model.

2. Send a powerful message: "You are inherently worthy, you made a poor decision this time but you have the power to choose differently." When we want cooperation, we must foster connection.

3. For one day - change the "I don't know and I don't care" to "I do know and I do care." Just one day, make the choices you avoided. If asked, state your choice clearly and without hesitation.

4. Autonomy and independence. A child craves these, and we give them to the child by giving the child choices.

From Entitlement to Empowerment

(Conscious Discipline p197)

Parental Entitlement Most of us grew up hearing that we are responsible for the negative feelings of others, "Don't make me come up there and ....", "you make me so...." And because it is usually the negative aspect that was attributed to us (the children), we grew up with a (false) sense of inadequacy. The reality is that we never had control over our parents, who simply used that language without much consideration. A lot of us grew up with the idea that parents were to be respected and followed without thought or question. They are entitled to the authority they hold over us, because they are older. From a position of entitlement, it is very difficult to teach children to feel empowered. What if a small change in our language kept the respect we feel ourselves own, but also allowed for the empowerment of our children?

Research shows (Deci & Ryan, 2008/ Muraven, 2008) that we improve our goal achievement and self-regulation when we make decision that are self-driven and lacking coercion.

Decision Fatigue and What You CAN Do

You can see it when children behave well at school all day, returning home and becoming untamable beasts or when you go shopping and return with more things than intended - your senses were over-saturated and you lost your will power. To help fight this try:

• Brain breaks every 20 minutes of focused task - move, sing, play.
• Developmentally appropriate choices
• Share the power to support choice making - give kids appropriate responsibilities
• Offer two positive choices {by giving choice we allow the child to focus on the task at hand}

CAVEAT>> Offering two positive choices moves the child from an emotional state to an executive state - an essential tool for helping children direct their attention, especially when the child is having trouble concentrating. You are providing the child with a small degree of control over their life - However, choice is not helpful in times of great distress (survival state). It is also not helpful in times of calm and creativity (executive state). In this state - open-ended questions draw out the child to problem solve and engage. "What would help you get started?"

Children who have trouble with choices (Conscious Discipline p 207)=>

• They refuse to choose: If your child breaks down when given a simple choice, consider that they may be overwhelmed at the moment - because of major changes, everyday aggravations like fighting with friends, or developmental disabilities. Depending on temperament, some children become overwhelmed easily. Instead of fighting temperament try

  1. Pointing out decisions made through out that day (ie - when child decides to eat a snack notice "You decided to eat a snack"). Doing this kind of noticing helps the child realize that they make decisions all the time.
  2. Offer the child small choices of closeness, like which hand to hold. Sometimes making choices are scary for children, because it is part of their growing independence. To help ease the stress of that, choice that also provide closeness are helpful.
  3. Children who refuse to choose may fear disappointing, so model acceptance of mistakes with a Think Aloud technique. After you make a mistake speak your thought process out-loud - take a deep breath and forgive yourself for the mistake. State what you will do differently next time.
  4. CELEBRATE COOPERATION - this changes the mood from one of frustration to one of positivity. From the depths of your heart celebrate the achievement of choosing to cooperate! Breathe and wish well the child.

• Resist structure 1 (given 2 choices they choose a third non-given option) - why? Type 1) "Individualization:" All children go through "individualization" or a kind of transformation from helpless infant to unique autonomous child. This is part of the growing up process and looks like "terrible twos/threes/fours" or oppositional behavior (any assertive stance by an adult is ignored or reacted to in an opposite manner). Try

1. Refuse to get into a power struggle. Take a step back, don't take it personally, deep breathes, center yourself.
2. Let go of the idea of forcing the child to do what you want.
3. Parroting Technique: Repeat options in a calm assertive voice. Remember not to take personally what is said during times of frustration. Stay calm and focused on the task at hand. Repeat two options, calm and assertive.
4. CELEBRATE COOPERATION - this changes the mood from one of frustration to one of positivity. From the depths of your heart celebrate the achievement of choosing to cooperate! Breathe and wish well the child.

• Resist structure 2 (given 2 choices they choose a third non-given option) - why? Type 2) Learned opposition. Children learn to be oppositional when their needs are consistently not met, permissive parenting, and/or serious family troubles and trauma (Conscious Discipline p209). If an infant's need for food, warmth or comfort is not met, the state of arousal (crying) is maintained. For some children, even if the parent meets the needs but cannot be soothed (due to colic, premature birth or other conditions), the infant remains in a constant state of arousal (crying) and grows into a child who continuously attempts to bend the world to their will. This is not the same as "individualization" of normal developmental children. This child 'constant state' or 'safe state' is one of resisting structure and imposing control - low tolerance for frustration.

Permissive parenting attempts to avoid causing the child any frustrations. These parents teach children to fight limits and misbehave to get their way. They also teach that parents' don't mean what they say.

For more on "Learned Opposition" read the book or check out their website.

• Change their minds (first choice a then b then back again) Why - Children who keep changing their minds might be stressed or feeling down on themselves or their world for some reason. This is a kind of pull and push, passive-aggressive way of control. To help children with this state we must consider:

Is it a new behavior?

If it starts suddenly and happens infrequently, it could be a sign of stress. Stress often cause children to regress developmentally (behave like younger children). In this case, they need assertive commands rather than a choice. Commands teach children what to do, choices teach them how to make decisions and keep promises. Highly stressed children are simply not in a position to make a choice.

Is it chronic?

In this case, it could be a learned behavior. In our fast-paced lives we slow down for indecisive children. Even though it is filled frustration and impatience, the child is getting the attention they want. It is a call to connect. Make an effort to spend more time connecting with this child during the day. At times of choice, slow down, make eye contact, ask the child to choose (ie milk or juice). When the child chooses, celebrate the choice (ie You chose milk!). If the child then changes their mind, say in a quiet but firm voice: "You chose (milk). Here it is. You can (drink it) or (leave it)." Often the child might fuss or sulk. Use empathy to help her process her feelings (need help with that? Click the ghost). Be firm and consistent. In the end, the child will learn that indecision will not get her negative attention.

Is this a developmental issue? click Developmental Delays below

• Developmental Delays (don't understand the concept of choice)

Suggestion for Helping Your Child

If you are feeling overwhelmed with these ideas or your child still seems to struggle - try VISUAL DISPLAYS of routines and behaviors. These are known for helping autistic children, but most children benefit from visual cues - how to brush teeth, wash hands, etc; And routines - what we do in the morning, what we do before bed. You could make your own and have kids draw the pictures. Cover them with clear box tape and use a white board marker to check off the things you have done.

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Making Our Own Rules

From (Creative Conflict Resolution)

When making rules with children, you will often hear what they think you want to hear. This in itself leads to making rules that might or might not be followed. To remedy this:

1. Each person in the group should, alone, come up with all the rules they can think of, petty or important, write it all down.
2. Eliminate redundant or unimportant rules, combine overlapping ones.
3. Write down ten most important rules to you.
4. BE SPECIFIC - instead of 'Respect each other' (general), choose 'Don't call people names' (specific).
5. Focus on the positive - instead of 'Don't call people names' (focus on negative), choose 'Call people what they want to be called' (focus on the positive).
6. Present your rules to the others in the group and discuss feels, thoughts, and reasons for each rule. Then ask the group which rules should be added to the final 10 or 15 group rules.
7. Decide together on consequences for breaking the rules - logical ones like if you spill something, you clean it up (as opposed to a time out or spanking).
8. Make a range for some rules that include a warning to stop the behavior, a chance to apologize and make a different choice and finally a choice that gives that the child time apart from the group before coming back and trying again.
9. Review the rules regularly and make changes as time passes.
10. Do not make excuses or exceptions - that means the consequences should never be so harsh that you hesitate to use them.

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Consequences

Is Our Intent to Punish? If your goal is to punish, then you are trying to force the child into shame, blaming them for being a child and not knowing any better or listening to you at once. You are saying - you did wrong and you should feel bad (so I will punish you so you feel bad). The problem is, the child is not you and unless you narrate their whole existence, they will always fail you and you will always be in a position to punish them, round and round, never stepping off the blame game/power struggle. Say NO to the power struggle. Say goodbye to blame games. Teach your child to take on responsibility, not pass off blame or make an excuse.

Is Our Intent to Save? If your goal is to protect your child from ever feeling unhappy or an unpleasant experience, you are setting your child up to fail, because no matter what, they will feel unhappy at some point. Rescuing children from their feelings says to them being upset is bad. You are incapable of handling your feelings. Also, they will think it is normal not experience negative feelings and seek any way possible to hide from these feelings, growing up feeling entitled instead of responsible.

Is Our Intent to Teach?

The goal is to help children reflect on how they feel about the impact of their choices in order to take responsibility for their actions. Their feelings become motivation to learn new skills and do things differently in the future. By doing this children learn to manage intense feelings, take responsibility for their actions, create healthier options for themselves in the future. To do this:

1. Give children tasks and guidelines they can handle.
2. Stand back and allow them to blow it
3. Apply liberal doses of empathy and let consequences motivate change and the learning of new skills.
4. Give the same task again with new skill in place.
5. Check your understanding here

Conscious of Consequence is Key to Change

Consequences don't teach, they motivate you to learn new skills. That requires you:

1. Reflect on the choice and outcome in relation to long-term goals (Was ordering pizza in alignment with my dieting goals?)
2. Take ownership of our choice and the feelings they generate (I feel disappointed that I delayed reaching my goal). The mindset that we are good based on accomplishments and bad based on mistakes is a learned mindset that is detrimental to our wellbeing. Natural consequences motivate us to learn new skills. When adults are overly fearful about predicting harm, they teach children that the child themself has no control over events in their lives. Instead of "Don't play with those scissors, you will cut yourself" => "teach the child scissor safety and empower them to understand that you believe in their ability to choose wisely. Effective consequence are followed by empathy, not condemnation or lectures (need help with empathy? Click the ghost).

Tattling as a Teaching Tool

Children up to the age of 8 will bring their distress to the caregiver or significant adult. This is often in the form of tattling. If you follow this guide, you will be able to use this to teach your child you are an ally. Attempting to stop tattling teaches children that authority is to be mistrusted, revenge and victimization are normal.

1. Intrusive Tattling This is tattling on physical or verbal aggression, or property infringement. Teach children to use their BIG voice, aka assertive voice.

2. Revenge Tattling Tattling in the hopes of getting someone in trouble or out of the belief that they aren't doing what they are supposed to be. In this case start by asking: "Are you telling me to be helpful or hurtful?" If they answer hurtful, ask how they could help the person achieve their goal or complete their task. If they answer helpful, ask how they could help X to remember to finish their task? If they don't know, model an appropriate answer (ie X, would you like some help cleaning up?)

3. Safety Tattling This involves reporting a safety issue. The adults' job is to assure children we will take care of the situation and keep them safe. "I will take care of X. Telling me was helpful. I will keep X safe."

Logical Consequences

If natural consequences motivate us to learn a new skill, logical consequences motivate us to practice skills we already posses. When we cannot use natural consequence for saftey reasons, we use logical consequences instead. Children who are disconnected or missing social-emotional skills and are 'serial offenders' should be considered in need of extra help learning problem-solving or natural consequences. Logical consequence would be detrimental to them (they would fail). For those ready for logical consequence, consider using: 3R and a big E

• Related A logical consequences is related to the child's behavior in a cause-effect relationship, safety, and helpfulness.
• Respectful A logical consequences is given in an assertive tone. Intent (verbal and nonverbal cues) is to teach.
• Reasonable A logical consequences is doable, makes sense in terms of duration and severity (no empty threats).
• Empathy A big emotion may follow logical consequence. Support the child being giving empathy, not a lecture. The Short Version: "If you choose to ____ then you will __," followed by empathy.

For example, a logical consequences for a child who runs with scissors is to lose the chance to use the scissors unsupervised - illogical: no tv for a week.

For children of all ages, but especially for older children, consider getting them involved in coming up with rules and logical consequences. Before you begin, discuss how actions can be both helpful or hurtful depending on our behavioral choices. Give examples, ask what they think the outcome will be, discuss why, and how to change a hurtful outcome to a helpful one. You can use this example: "You have a choice to use your Big Voice or ask for help when you become frustrated so you can play with your friends and have fun - or you can choose to hit and grab others and play by yourself so you and your friends are safe. Which choice is hurtful? Which is helpful?"

Problem Solving

After natural or logical consequence comes problem solving, something that should be taught, as it teaches children that they can be part of the solution through the use of shared power. It is particularly helpful for chronic problems. The best time to come up with solutions, is in the relaxed state - the executive state (not emotional, not survival/fight or flight).

Suggestion

• State the problem and its impact. State what happened without bias or judgement. Key Skill Make sure you are calm and neutral in tone. Do not impose guilt. Help see multiple points of views.

• Encourage children to own their part of the problem. With ownership, children are more likely to follow through on proffered solutions. Key Skill Use specific examples without names. If children start to point blame, flip negative to positive intent.

• Restate the problem in terms of what you want to happen. Instead of "We are not listening to our friends Big Voice" => "So the problem is remembering to listen to each other's Big Voice" Key Skill It is more important to focus on the positive and to restate any negative phrasing. In a negatively state way, children will brainstorm punishments. Stated positively, and the solutions will be more thoughtful and productive.

• Think of as many solutions as you can. Collect and summarize solutions into common threads. Role play how to use new skills so each child sees what it looks likes, sounds likes, feels like. Commit to the agreed upon solution, with a written statement or chant or a song with movement. Key Skill It is important to listen when children express their opinions and reflect back the essence. You can help transform negatives to positives and flip from what they don't want to what they do want.

• Evaluate the effectiveness. End the problem solving part with the question: "How will we know if our solution is working?" Work together to find a way to measure the effectiveness of the ideas. Celebrate successes, do additional problem solving if issues persist.

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Create A SAFE PLACE by Dr. Bailey

Children need to understand when to go to the safe place, what to do there, how long to stay and that you can help them if they need you. Start by creating a SAFE PLACE BOOK together with drawings answering all the questions above. The more involved the child is in the making of the book, the more likely they will buy in to the activity when they get upset.

I AM

When a child is triggered, they need to go to their safe place. This is not time out. This is a place to help them feel better.

I CALM

Breathe and notice your internal state. Let feelings bubble up.

I FEEL

Child identifies current feeling by pointing to an image or selecting a feeling buddy. Make your own or endorse Dr. Bailey (no affiliation).

I CHOOSE

Child chooses an activity that will help them work through the feeling. This should be inputted by the child, as it is child-specific. Some ideas might be lotion, drawing paper and supplies, books. Child picks a strategy that helps them feel more calm - breathing exercise, exercise, yoga, etc. Practice these with child during non-stressful times. Relax - Change States - Reframe problem

I SOLVE

Child does this independently, but might need some assistance. Older children might write down what they would do if the problem arises again (consider using the I think - I want - I can model by Daniel Siegel "Mindsight"). With younger kids, break down the problem into the follow categories:

• A child needs help asking for help
• A child needs help learning to resolve a conflict
• A child needs help managing stressful situations, like death in the family, violence, divorce, etc.
• A child needs help understanding a situation and would benefit from visual routines or visual social narratives.

Have a visual cue to remind child what to do.

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Connections from Around the World To Try

Many different cultures have the concept, with slight variation. Community connection plays another role in these and other communities, but this particular connection is about a smaller circle; usually familial. Once you understand the concept, consider creating a family connection time that suits your style, culture and family.

Hygge (Scandinavian):

Pronounced 'hoo-gah' is a Danish concept, a way to connect, feel cozy (safe).

• Playing board games, card games, group games (like Werewolf, or wink murder), memory games
• Arts and Crafts
• Pillow forts
• Reading a book together
• Indoor picnic
• Host a swap party (gently used things)
• Letter Writing
• Sports or exercise together (in or out of doors)

Essential concepts for Hygge: Gratitude, being present, community engagement, communication (without judgement), contentment

For more about the Hygge aesthetic, food, drinks, music try How To Hygge by Helena Olsen

Diwaniyya (Arabic Culture):

This refers to a gathering place for men, often in a private courtyard, for socializing, conversation, and enjoying coffee or tea. It creates a space for community and connection.

Sobremesa (Latin America):

Refers to an extended period of conversation and relaxation at the table after a meal. It emphasizes enjoying good company and savoring the moment.

Ubuntu (South Africa):

This Nguni Bantu philosophy emphasizes interconnectedness and humanity. Sharing meals, storytelling around a fire, and creating a welcoming atmosphere for family and community all embody this concept.

Asasewasa (Ghana):

Translates to "living in harmony with nature." It involves appreciating the natural world and finding peace and comfort within it. Spending time outdoors, using natural materials in homes, and respecting the environment are all aspects of asasewasa.

Zuwara (Ethiopia):

This Ethiopian term refers to "coffee ceremony." It's a traditional social ritual involving preparing and sharing coffee with family, friends, and neighbors. The ceremony is a way to connect, relax, and enjoy good company.

Umvuzo (Burundi):

In Burundian culture, umvuzo refers to spending time with loved ones, sharing stories, and passing down traditions. It emphasizes the importance of community and creating a warm, supportive environment for future generations.

Ikigai (Japan):

Concept focuses on finding your purpose in life and living a fulfilling life through small, meaningful moments. While not exactly about coziness, it shares the focus on appreciating the simple things.

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I think:

This represents our cognitive understanding of the situation and the thoughts arising from it. We may be interpreting an event, judging someone's actions, or simply observing what's happening around us. Challenge our thoughts: Are our interpretations accurate or biased by past experiences or emotional triggers? Can we reframe our thinking in a more helpful way?

I want:

This captures our emotional desires and needs. We may feel anger, sadness, joy, fear, or a combination of emotions depending on our interpretation of the situation. Acknowledge our wants: Can we accept and validate our emotions without judgment? Understanding our needs can be the first step towards addressing them constructively.

I can:

This reflects our sense of agency and ability to respond effectively. It encompasses our coping skills, resources, and self-confidence in managing our emotions and taking action. Empower our "I can": What skills and resources do we have to manage our emotions and navigate the situation effectively? Can we practice mindful breathing, self-soothing techniques, or reach out for support when needed?